Since I’ve been thinking about regret and pain and other things, I’ve been thinking about decisions.

Lately I’ve made some interesting decisions which are for the better.

Nope its private, so don’t ask.

One decision I’ve made is to stay away from male coworkers.   I’ll talk with them at work, but as far as getting too close, nope not going to happen.  It’s just better that way.  “No I don’t want their number, No I don’t want to give them mine, No, I don’t want to meet them no where, No, I don’t want none of their time…”  I all ready know the rumor mill and the gossip train would start if I was talking to someone at work.  Can’t even get away from that when it’s not related to dudes.

So I’ve been meeting new people who seem pretty cool and I like them.   They remind me of my good friends I’ve had throughout my life.

*Stupid thing wouldn’t scroll up like I wanted*

It’s nice to get some things accomplished that I’ve been working on.

I still feel that people tend to think they know who I am.  I really hate that, but you know there’s not much you can do when someone believes what everyone else tells them.  Always feels like a group of people against one.  Kind of like my character in the story.  Feeling like you’re backed against the wall with people telling you who you are without even asking you.  You know who you are, but it doesn’t matter.

I actually know who’s to blame for that.  They know who they are.

Still I’m doing things I want to do and enjoying it, no matter what.

So yeah.

Still a lot of people are in pain.  You can see it on their face.

Strange something seemed moved.

Oh yeah I guess my singing has been annoying the neighbors even though they make sure to tell me they can’t hear me.  So how the heck can they hear me when my TV is up loud while I’m singing.  I even whisper and they can hear me.  Really strange.  I can’t hear them and only occasionally when they get really loud.

I always seem to have nosy people in my life.  I assume it’s because I don’t share my life with them.  How can I trust any one when they think they know who I am and when they make it apparent they are being nosy.  I don’t like people all up in my business.  It’s my business and if I choose to share it with you then that’s different.  I don’t have to share everything with you.

Trust is not given it’s earned.  If you ever want me to trust you then you need to get out of my business.  Also making fun of me doesn’t work either.  I can’t trust anyone who thinks it’s OK to make fun of me because to me that’s being a bully and that’s not who I want in my life.  I am very picky with who to trust and who I want in my life.  Most people fail miserably at earning my trust.

Oh well I should get going.  Tootsie


I’ve been thinking about regret lately.

Most of what I regret usually involves people and decisions.  Sometimes those decisions involve people.

My regrets when it comes to people is usually trying to trust them too soon.  We all want friends.  Some of us will do anything for friends.  Still sometimes when you are in the process you realize who’s a good friend and who’s not.  Usually it has a lot to do with trust.  Not everyone can be trusted and they have to earn your trust.

I don’t regret cutting people out of my life or staying away from someone who might hurt me or is not trustworthy.

Some people regret things they’ve said to a loved one before they passed away.  Some people regret moving to certain places.

Still usually you learn from those situations.  I’ve learned to be careful with what I say and whom I have in my life.  I also learned how someone can turn on you when you cut them out of your life.

Some people have learned that they should show their loved ones more love.

Some people buy guns for protection so the next place will be safer.

So I don’t know that was on my  mind.


I’ve been thinking about pain lately.  Not just physical but mental.  Sometimes can’t have one without the other.  If you are in such physical pain, it effects you mentally.  If you are in mental pain sometimes it  affects you physically.  People with both types of pain usually take medication for it.

There are medical conditions that cause people to be in pain, where the only relief is medication.  That’s just not physical conditions that included mental conditions.

Some people will never understand pain.

There are some people out there who when they lift a finger it causes a ripple of unbearable pain.

There are people who are in mental anguish.  They suffer mentally and internally.

No matter what type of pain they are in, at some point they want it to stop.  Even if it means slitting their wrists, taking medication, or even taking a handful of medication.

It’s like a hot water heater about to blow and all you do is turn the valve to release some of the steam so that it won’t go overload.

Just a little slit.  Just another pill.  I just want it to stop just for a little while.

Yes this is a bit dark because unfortunately people see those who are in pain as weak because they don’t understand pain. They think they are faking or making it up.  They think that it’s all in their head.

So in turn they get picked on and bullied or even yet treated as if they are not a person.

It’s not a weakness.  It’s out of their control.  Still they get up everyday.  They try to push through the pain. They get used to it.  Some people are so good at ignoring the pain that it’s like it’s nothing to them and someone else would be unable to move.

I know we all have a tolerance, but when someone hurts by moving and they are putting on clothes through that pain, it’s not a weakness.  It’s freaking strong that they are trying to endure even though it hurts them.

Not sure why I’m thinking about it, but that’s what I was thinking about.



I was wondering about something.  My ex neighbor who could be heard all over the place because she was so loud, used to tell all the other neighbors I didn’t talk to her.  Makes me wonder what other lies she told because I did talk to her.  I was almost forced to talk to her.  She was always outside watching me.  The minute I opened my door she was outside.   She made me late for work and would get annoyed because I needed to go to work instead of holding a conversation with her.  Yeah…did she even work?  Sometimes I would sit in my car, and talk on my phone because she was waiting like a vulture.  I know she could hear me because when I was upset about something I would go outside and she was asking me questions.  She especially seemed to be more nosy around the time before the break in and after the break in. She wanted to know about something important to me.  She even got mad because I would go out with my friends.  Not sure why though.  I didn’t know her and my friends didn’t know her, plus she had a young baby.  No.  I don’t think someone with a child should leave them alone so they can hang out with someone.  She even got offended because I wouldn’t take her grocery shopping right then.  I had some where to be.  So it makes me wonder if the other neighbors believed the lies and if they did, what kind of things would they have done?  How much danger was I in?

So any way.  I’ve been really inspired by a lot of things lately.  Yeah let’s say crafts, giving, and living.  I’ve been doing something I’ve done before, but a lot better at it now, and I’m seeing wonderful results.  So hopefully I’ll keep it up.

I miss some things and well.

By the way.  Yes I talk about death.  I think I’ve been near death a lot in my life.  I’m pretty sure someone was going to kill me at some point for something stupid.  I’ve had several things happen to me that I should not be here and for that I thank God and Jesus for.  Still death is final and it’s dark and it’s something that you try not to think about, but sometimes you can’t help it.  Plus I’ve seen death a many of times.  I’ve watched people die.  I’ve watch the life drain out of someone.  So yeah, death isn’t pretty.  We all know we are going to die some day, we don’t know when and we don’t know how.  So yeah get upset when I talk about death and have a conversation out loud so I can hear you.  Maybe I’ll comment on it.  :)

Mental Disorders are very much something people refuse to deal with.  People think the person is faking or wanting attention, but that’s not true.  If you ever seen someone who’s attempted suicide, then you would know better.  If you ever ask someone who has known someone who has they never knew it was coming.

Any way.  Later.

Who is that?


He stared at them as they walked outside the front door.  He knew they didn’t belong there.  He knew there was only supposed to be someone else there, but they smiled at him and told them they were family.

He never questioned the fact that he wasn’t there.  He wasn’t there.  How were they getting in?

He watched them one day as they went in through the window since the door was locked, and then out the front door.  What were they doing in there?  Why would someone who was supposed to be there doing that?

Crap he thought…they are criminals.

Trying to Trust


Yes I don’t trust a lot of people.  I know someone was quite shocked about that.

I try to feel someone out first.  I don’t spill my whole guts to someone.

Still it doesn’t meant I don’t trust.  I just can’t trust certain people.

Oh well.

On a side note, I’m assuming that whomever might have my computer apparently still could log into some of my stuff.  I wonder if the thing has died yet because it was dying on me in the first place.  I think some of my passwords were changed or, they tried to log into stuff too many times locking me out.  I still think that maybe they probably had some way of seeing my password.   Not sure how, but I’m pretty sure I heard someone outside my window a few times.

Sometimes I feel


Sometimes I think about how many times I might not have realized that someone needed to talk to me about something or just needed to get something off of their chest.  Still I let them talk to me.  I didn’t think they were whining or complaining.  Sometimes when someone needs to talk to someone they unload a lot of what they are feeling.  Sometimes it’s about how someone treats them or even stuff I would never have understood.  Still if someone needed to talk to me, I would always listen.

We all need someone we can trust and talk to.  Problem is, not everyone deserves that privilege.  Some people take what you say and run with it.  Others just seem indifferent, like they don’t care what you say.

Still I think more people rather take the time to talk about someone instead of learning about them.  They’d prefer to tear someone down instead of building them up.  I find that it seems to be the way it is.  Where people tend to want to turn someone into something they are not.

I’m not the type to tell everyone everything going on in my life.  I’ve learned that not everyone can be trusted.  Not very many people have earned my trust lately.  Too many observations have caused me to keep some people at a distance.  I think sometimes it’s best that way.

I was thinking the other day about something a preacher said.  He said that some people won’t keep employment because they can’t find someone to run with.  Is that true?  People quit jobs because they can’t find someone to go out and party with?

Does it mean I don’t try to trust?  No.  Just that it’s going to take some people a lot of effort to get me to completely trust them.  You have to learn who is trustworthy and who’s not.

Like someone has observed lately because they know who I am, that many people don’t know the real me.

That’s true.  Unfortunately only certain people will know the real me.  I think my coworkers will probably not ever see the real me completely and it’s due to a lot of  things.

They only know what someone’s told them or showed them.  Like I’ve said before I’m not going to go to every person and try to change their minds about that.  If someone wants to know who the real me is, they will take it upon themselves to take the time to get to know me.  If they only rely on what someone tells them, then all I can say is wow.

Well I’m out.

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