What it’s like

DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT SHARED THIS BLOG WITH MY FORMER OR CURRENT COWORKERS OR ANY OF MY FORMER OR CURRENT NEIGHBORS

Do you know what it’s like to live in fear?  You can’t tell, but I’m always afraid.  I am afraid to talk to people, to get to know people.  I am afraid to trust.

Every morning I wake up wondering if someone has come into my home while I”m asleep.  I wonder if they will come in my home while I’m at work.  I wonder if they did something to my vehicle.  I wonder how much money they took out of my bank account.  I wonder if when I leave is someone waiting for me to leave to break in.  Is someone following me?  Is someone going to hurt me?

That’s what I fear.  I can’t do any business over my phone.  I have to hear someone repeat phone conversations and text messages.  Even my social media, my blog, everything is shared with people I don’t know.  Strangers violating me every day.  Looking for ways to get me.  Every fucking day.  What it feels like to have people laugh at you or even make fun of your sorrow.  It’s like every day someone is trying to find ways to hurt you.

How far would they go? Would they murder your friend or your family member? Would they get someone to do that?  Depends on how angry they are about what they were told.  Every time I find out someone I care about is gone, I wonder if it’s because of me.  Is it because someone who hates me so much is willing to hurt me by getting rid of those close to me?

To wake every day knowing if I talk on my phone to the bank, or the doctor’s office, there’s someone listening and laughing or talking about you going to the doctor.  I can’t even enjoy video games any more.  Why should I bother buying one of the new consoles?  Someone who wants to hurt me will just find a way to get them taken from me.  Forget a desktop computer.

This is all because of something I was told was something in my mind, however everyone knows about it and talks about it.  Why would you act like I”m the most horrible person in the world?  Why tell everyone I threatened someone if it wasn’t because of that?

I have to go around every day knowing what happened to me.  I know I didn’t make it up when someone is trying to hurt me, or murder me.  Nothing like that feeling to always know you’re a night’s sleep from death.

Every time I have car trouble I think it’s been done on purpose.

Anytime something goes wrong, I think it’s because of someone getting back at me.  I can’t even enjoy holidays or birthdays.  I’m always afraid.  My bank account is always drained around the holidays.  I don’t even use it that much.

It hurts listening to everyone talk about all the presents they bought for their family when you know someone has access to something they shouldn’t.

So yeah every day sucks for me.  I wake up  afraid and go to bed afraid.  Most of the day is trying not to be afraid.  The little things I’m afraid of, are nothing compared to what I feel every day.  It’s even worse now, due to some things that happened.

So yeah it sucks.  People can be really cruel if they believe what someone says and takes it at heart.  Knowing how far someone will go for vengeance is scary and has led to murder.  Hitler comes to mind.  He took out everything on the Jews and it was easy for him to convince others to believe him.  He had a good story to tell others.  That’s all they needed.  I could get a bit more historical nerd on you, but still people believed him, and look what they did.  You should read about all of the horrible experiments that were conducted on twins, and children, and etc.  Still no one went against him, or if they did they were killed.

The fear that no matter where I move someone will move there just to torment me. The fear that if I move with loved ones they would hurt them.  The fear that even if I moved to a different state or country I would still have the same issues.

People like to gossip.

Once again I think someone assumes I do other things besides what I actually do.

Any way I’d thought I’d share.  I hate always looking over my shoulder.

 

 

A response

DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT SHARED THIS BLOG WITH MY FORMER OR CURRENT COWORKERS OR ANY OF MY FORMER OR CURRENT NEIGHBORS

I’d like to say to my neighbors who asked if the reason why the other neighbors treat me badly is because of them, then the answer would be yes.  Why if you are telling everyone how horrible I am someone might get it in their mind to follow me around go through my things, you know like break in my home. I mean if you tell someone I hurt someone, not really know the real truth, then yeah you’re going to have people help you hurt me.  I mean someone was planning to steal all of my belongings while I was at a funeral.  I mean someone was even planning on killing me or how do you say murder me.  So yeah the walls are not thick, people are opportunists.  I mean I’ve been called an opportunist.  Yet I won’t take anyone’s things.  Why did you ask someone who needs attention and possibly was doing illegal things.  Also someone who really would find any excuse not to work. There was an excuse to get into my place I know.  That investigator wasn’t happy about that, but I digress.

Also, how the hell do you know what I’m posting on my social media?  I don’t have any of my neighbors on there.  Oh yea…that’s right my phone.  That darn program Claudi added to my phone that everyone seems to know about and knows when I’m doing this or that.  Ah yes.  Where people repeat my text messages out-loud and my voice mail.  Hell you repeat this out loud, I mean you yell outside my window so yeah.  Oh yeah even when someone repeats the music I was listening to.  Man I must have my own website.  Also are you still monitoring my bank account?  I know some of you aren’t around any more, but it was really nice to hear how much money was in my account.  I really need to talk to the bank about letting anyone have access to my account especially certain people.  I wonder if someone has access to…that would be a breach.   Not sure if…might have to make a phone call soon.   Oh no, not on that phone.

Also man do you get upset when I change all of my accounts.  I had to.  My computer was stolen.  Maybe you still have access to this, but I know you have access to an email address I have to stop things from going to it.  How do I know you do?  Because when I was changing my accounts around again, I heard you talking about How much I knew.  Here’s the kicker, I’ve always known.  You know how much I paid the electric company and made comments about it.  You weren’t very discreet.

So yeah.  All you people out there in the public.  If anything ever happens to me you might want to tell the police to check with my neighbors first.  I’m sure by then they’ll have taken what they wanted.

Do I think my neighbors are criminals?  No I think they are opportunists.  I also think they were told that I hurt one of their friends, family member, or something like that.  What does that mean, well it means people see red.  They believe lies especially from a liar and go from there.  They don’t even think about if it’s right or wrong, but because she hurt M.  then we’ll hurt her.  We’ll see where she’s going etc.  Follow her around.  Read her text messages.  Listen to her phone calls to see who’s she’s talking to.  OH man pretend we’re her friends on Facebook and even in text messages.  Yeah that’s how crazy someone can be and go if they believe a lie, especially when the truth is M. never liked me and more than likely things were done in a way to try to get me fired.  So remember that.  I hope you are learning the truth now from your sources.  Yes they do know you are here.

Any way.  Peace!

All those secrets

DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT SHARED THIS BLOG WITH MY FORMER OR CURRENT COWORKERS OR ANY OF MY FORMER OR CURRENT NEIGHBORS

It’s a well known fact that people hold in a lot of secrets.  I do.  I don’t tell people everything, however, this blog for example has been passed around at my work place.   I never shared it with any of my coworkers, to put it frankly because they were not very nice.  They weren’t nice and I didn’t and still don’t think they should have access to this but thanks to a Claud everyone knows.  I still feel the wrath of some.  I am actually close friends with a few, but will always question when one of the “others” are being nice to me.

I hold a lot of stuff in because I know people would have a hard time believing what I have to say.  For example hearing the people discussing a replay of watching someone break into your apartment.  I often found it interesting that whomever broke in knew exactly where everything was like they were watching me.  Like a camera was right on me.  Yeah cameras exist, they still do on laptops, and you can place one in any anyone’s home if you are stealthy enough.  So why did they say “it was a nice calm living room and then all of a sudden daylight shone in.”  Sounds like a camera to me right?

Or for example hearing someone discuss a computer they have and exclaim, “That was hers!”

Or hearing someone get upset because you are on the phone only to make sure that they tell someone it’s your friend.  Or your neighbors making sure that the person or people at your house, are your family, or etc.  Who the fuck cares who I’m talking to?  Who the fuck cares who’s at my house?  Only psycho stalkers care about that stuff.

This is why I can’t do any important business on my cell phone.  Fuck that shit.  I only do business in person, and I have told the places that I do business with, not to assume anything.

Also, when I go to someones house, I get followed.  It’s always a female.  I go over there a place everyone knows me or knows why I’m there.  I go out to my car after going where I need to go and then there she is.  Watching me and talking on the phone.  I thought maybe it’s a neighbor, but then she did it a few more times.  Why?  I don’t know.  Crazy maybe?  Being paid maybe, maybe making sure they can freely go in my home.  I’m not sure.

It’s because I turn my phone off.  Whenever I turn my phone off, some people seem to get frustrated.  They assume it’s just when I go to the doctor.  Oh no.  I turn it off when I want.  The worse thing is when you hear them play your voicemail trying to see where you were.  Yeah the voicemail on my cell phone that I can hear loud enough from close by.

I’m so tired of people not believing me or acting like I’m crazy.

Really so when I text someone, I always hear someone repeat it.  Not sure why?  Don’t you have something better to do?  Isn’t there a law against that.  I mean the government has a reason, but if you aren’t the government, or need to know, then that makes you a stalker.

The problem is that some people seem to think I’m completely oblivious.  So when I went to a funeral and I sang at the funeral, I am well aware some ass I didn’t want there was there and has a recording of me singing.  So something else to make fun of me about.  However, if you understood one thing, you forgot to tell her.  She was planning on breaking into my place and stealing everything else.

Plus that investigator can’t believe all of the shit, can they.  They aren’t very happy with everything.  They blame certain people for everything that happened.  I mean that computer was vital for that investigation especially after Vincent put that program on it and downloaded my hard drive.  Between Vincent and Victor, they were looking for “proof”  what proof?  Not sure.  I mean I had to get my birth certificate.  I have been fingerprinted, but because I was working some where that required it.  If you want proof of something illegal, read above.  No subpoena to steal contents from someones hard drive.  Illegally got access to someones apartment, and the apartment manager thought I never knew.  The office told the maintenance I had a psycho old boyfriend.  Was he a skinny Asian guy?  Well there’s the problem there.  I don’t usually date Asian guys, not that I don’t want to, but I tend to date other types of guys.  So the office messed up there.  I’m surprised they never met my boyfriend who was there while I was working.  The neighbors met him, but the office never noticed.  I am also well aware of the pictures that were taken of my home.  What proof?

Ah I know.  I’m an addict maybe?  You know because all black people do drugs, alcohol, etc..  Or maybe because I’m an illegal citizen.  Yeah…that one that one’s crazy especially when your family has been around for centuries and were ex slaves.  Documented ex slaves at that.  So yeah…find any drugs?  I hate the smell of pot.  I hate taking legal drugs/medicine, why the fuck would I take illegal drugs?  Plus I know the side effects of both legal and illegal drugs.  Alcohol inhibits peoples functions.  I don’t think so.  Tried it didn’t like it.  Actually my doctors would be mad at me right now because I stopped taking some of my medicine because it wasn’t making me feel good.  I have a lot of issues with taking prescribed medication. Sometimes it makes me sicker, so I hate taking it.  So me ever taking a handful of random pills, will always end badly for me.

You know I’ve had my bank account stolen.  I’m also almost certain someone was trying to use my information to get them a house *cough* Stephanie.  So yeah.  I have to put a block on some things and when My activity is abnormal my account gets blocked.  So yeah.  Nothing like always having that fear.

It all started with something that no one believed me, but everyone knows about.  That I’ll keep tight lipped because everyone knows.

I often wonder how far corporations would go?  I mean if you work in the government I expect them to be in your face, maybe following everything you do closely.  I mean they don’t want you to be a spy or whatever you could get in trouble for.  Still they don’t seem to be that crazy unless you alert them to you.   Just curious.  When would it be necessary for a corporation to spy on someone.

Any way.  I will try not to type too much.  I’m a bit tired and I might rant about something crazy. LOL

Merry Christmas!

DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT SHARED THIS BLOG WITH MY FORMER OR CURRENT COWORKERS OR ANY OF MY FORMER OR CURRENT NEIGHBORS

I’d like to say Merry Christmas to everyone!

If you don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy Holidays!, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and if I’m missing some sayings, sorry.  I need to do more research on that.

Hope you had a good one.

Well you know if anything happens to me then I’ve explained it last post.

This year doesn’t feel like Christmas.  The commercialism is still there, but it just feels like a normal day.

Well I’m out!  Have a great rest of your day!

It’s nice

DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT SHARED THIS BLOG WITH MY FORMER OR CURRENT COWORKERS OR ANY OF MY FORMER OR CURRENT NEIGHBORS

I told the person that won’t come over that, it’s good to know I’m not the only one who hears my neighbors discussing what someone is wearing in my home or who’s in my home.  Sometimes they can tell you exactly what I’m doing in my home.  They can even tell you whats in my home.  Not only that, but they know when I pay some of my bills and how much they are for, so…yeah…not very safe is it.  I know they are above me or next to me, but it’s almost as if there is a camera in my home.  Much easier for someone who lives above me I think.  I blame a Claud for that, or tiz it their fault.  Well kind of is isn’t it?  Get people riled up over something stupid.  Where some people who have sense know better but there’s that small percentage of people just like them that won’t let it go.  Maybe that’s why people think I shouldn’t play video games because someone thought it’d be better that I have them taken away so I can go out and get drunk.  Yeah…drunk on my ass unable to drive or talk and risk getting arrested for a DWI, or playing a video game and having fun…..I think I’d rather have fun.  So yeah more afraid to leave longer than I have to and I’m not letting my neighbors know where I’m going. Except they seem to know sometimes, like when I don’t turn my phone off….I wonder…Sometimes I think I would come home to an empty home.

One More day!

Man I still have stuff to do.

Oh…man.

I have vowed to do more than I used to.  People don’t always know what I do because I don’t like to share it.

Well I just had a strange dream.   It pissed me off.  I woke up kind of mad.  Nope can’t tell ya.  Gonna write it in my dream book before it disappears.  Now I want to do what I wasn’t allowed to do.  The ending was freaking messed up though.  I will say Terry Crews was in there for some reason.  No it was not a naughty dream.  I was angry.

Well no snow, except on my blog.   😦

I think I think too much.

Oh yeah.  I probably will hear some of this yelled and or repeated loudly.  We shall see.

Well I need to do some things.  I will chat with you later.

 

Words!!!!!!

DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT SHARED THIS BLOG WITH MY FORMER OR CURRENT COWORKERS OR ANY OF MY FORMER OR CURRENT NEIGHBORS

Sometimes I wonder if people ever think.  If someone is aware of what you are doing and knows it’s you, and why your doing it, and whom you’re doing it for, why continue?  It’s a bit obsessive now, don’t cha’ think.

So I had a conversation with someone.  They told me why they really didn’t like staying at my place.  They said they could hear my neighbors talking about who was in my home and could describe what they were wearing.  They also said they knew when they went from one room to another.  Funny isn’t it.  No wonder they won’t come over.

Man I like this season, but I don’t go overboard with spending.  If money is missing from my account, well I guess I have some people to blame.  *cough mumble cough*

Well hopefully I’ll have my answer.

So many ideas, so little time, but I think I better make a schedule so that way I can do what I can and be ready for everything next year.

Well not too much to say for now.  I forgot I was doing something important.  Lataz.

 

 

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