I’ve been thinking about pain lately.  Not just physical but mental.  Sometimes can’t have one without the other.  If you are in such physical pain, it effects you mentally.  If you are in mental pain sometimes it  affects you physically.  People with both types of pain usually take medication for it.

There are medical conditions that cause people to be in pain, where the only relief is medication.  That’s just not physical conditions that included mental conditions.

Some people will never understand pain.

There are some people out there who when they lift a finger it causes a ripple of unbearable pain.

There are people who are in mental anguish.  They suffer mentally and internally.

No matter what type of pain they are in, at some point they want it to stop.  Even if it means slitting their wrists, taking medication, or even taking a handful of medication.

It’s like a hot water heater about to blow and all you do is turn the valve to release some of the steam so that it won’t go overload.

Just a little slit.  Just another pill.  I just want it to stop just for a little while.

Yes this is a bit dark because unfortunately people see those who are in pain as weak because they don’t understand pain. They think they are faking or making it up.  They think that it’s all in their head.

So in turn they get picked on and bullied or even yet treated as if they are not a person.

It’s not a weakness.  It’s out of their control.  Still they get up everyday.  They try to push through the pain. They get used to it.  Some people are so good at ignoring the pain that it’s like it’s nothing to them and someone else would be unable to move.

I know we all have a tolerance, but when someone hurts by moving and they are putting on clothes through that pain, it’s not a weakness.  It’s freaking strong that they are trying to endure even though it hurts them.

Not sure why I’m thinking about it, but that’s what I was thinking about.



I was wondering about something.  My ex neighbor who could be heard all over the place because she was so loud, used to tell all the other neighbors I didn’t talk to her.  Makes me wonder what other lies she told because I did talk to her.  I was almost forced to talk to her.  She was always outside watching me.  The minute I opened my door she was outside.   She made me late for work and would get annoyed because I needed to go to work instead of holding a conversation with her.  Yeah…did she even work?  Sometimes I would sit in my car, and talk on my phone because she was waiting like a vulture.  I know she could hear me because when I was upset about something I would go outside and she was asking me questions.  She especially seemed to be more nosy around the time before the break in and after the break in. She wanted to know about something important to me.  She even got mad because I would go out with my friends.  Not sure why though.  I didn’t know her and my friends didn’t know her, plus she had a young baby.  No.  I don’t think someone with a child should leave them alone so they can hang out with someone.  She even got offended because I wouldn’t take her grocery shopping right then.  I had some where to be.  So it makes me wonder if the other neighbors believed the lies and if they did, what kind of things would they have done?  How much danger was I in?

So any way.  I’ve been really inspired by a lot of things lately.  Yeah let’s say crafts, giving, and living.  I’ve been doing something I’ve done before, but a lot better at it now, and I’m seeing wonderful results.  So hopefully I’ll keep it up.

I miss some things and well.

By the way.  Yes I talk about death.  I think I’ve been near death a lot in my life.  I’m pretty sure someone was going to kill me at some point for something stupid.  I’ve had several things happen to me that I should not be here and for that I thank God and Jesus for.  Still death is final and it’s dark and it’s something that you try not to think about, but sometimes you can’t help it.  Plus I’ve seen death a many of times.  I’ve watched people die.  I’ve watch the life drain out of someone.  So yeah, death isn’t pretty.  We all know we are going to die some day, we don’t know when and we don’t know how.  So yeah get upset when I talk about death and have a conversation out loud so I can hear you.  Maybe I’ll comment on it.  :)

Mental Disorders are very much something people refuse to deal with.  People think the person is faking or wanting attention, but that’s not true.  If you ever seen someone who’s attempted suicide, then you would know better.  If you ever ask someone who has known someone who has they never knew it was coming.

Any way.  Later.

Who is that?


He stared at them as they walked outside the front door.  He knew they didn’t belong there.  He knew there was only supposed to be someone else there, but they smiled at him and told them they were family.

He never questioned the fact that he wasn’t there.  He wasn’t there.  How were they getting in?

He watched them one day as they went in through the window since the door was locked, and then out the front door.  What were they doing in there?  Why would someone who was supposed to be there doing that?

Crap he thought…they are criminals.

Trying to Trust


Yes I don’t trust a lot of people.  I know someone was quite shocked about that.

I try to feel someone out first.  I don’t spill my whole guts to someone.

Still it doesn’t meant I don’t trust.  I just can’t trust certain people.

Oh well.

On a side note, I’m assuming that whomever might have my computer apparently still could log into some of my stuff.  I wonder if the thing has died yet because it was dying on me in the first place.  I think some of my passwords were changed or, they tried to log into stuff too many times locking me out.  I still think that maybe they probably had some way of seeing my password.   Not sure how, but I’m pretty sure I heard someone outside my window a few times.

Sometimes I feel


Sometimes I think about how many times I might not have realized that someone needed to talk to me about something or just needed to get something off of their chest.  Still I let them talk to me.  I didn’t think they were whining or complaining.  Sometimes when someone needs to talk to someone they unload a lot of what they are feeling.  Sometimes it’s about how someone treats them or even stuff I would never have understood.  Still if someone needed to talk to me, I would always listen.

We all need someone we can trust and talk to.  Problem is, not everyone deserves that privilege.  Some people take what you say and run with it.  Others just seem indifferent, like they don’t care what you say.

Still I think more people rather take the time to talk about someone instead of learning about them.  They’d prefer to tear someone down instead of building them up.  I find that it seems to be the way it is.  Where people tend to want to turn someone into something they are not.

I’m not the type to tell everyone everything going on in my life.  I’ve learned that not everyone can be trusted.  Not very many people have earned my trust lately.  Too many observations have caused me to keep some people at a distance.  I think sometimes it’s best that way.

I was thinking the other day about something a preacher said.  He said that some people won’t keep employment because they can’t find someone to run with.  Is that true?  People quit jobs because they can’t find someone to go out and party with?

Does it mean I don’t try to trust?  No.  Just that it’s going to take some people a lot of effort to get me to completely trust them.  You have to learn who is trustworthy and who’s not.

Like someone has observed lately because they know who I am, that many people don’t know the real me.

That’s true.  Unfortunately only certain people will know the real me.  I think my coworkers will probably not ever see the real me completely and it’s due to a lot of  things.

They only know what someone’s told them or showed them.  Like I’ve said before I’m not going to go to every person and try to change their minds about that.  If someone wants to know who the real me is, they will take it upon themselves to take the time to get to know me.  If they only rely on what someone tells them, then all I can say is wow.

Well I’m out.

Nurse Bob


Bob sat quietly at his desk watching the chaos.  One woman was acting as if she was crying saying he shouldn’t be here.  Meanwhile Sarah sat diagonally across from him saying how some people could get in while others couldn’t.  He knew it was directed at him.  All of their comments were directed at him.  Sarah actually said that after someone’s family member wasn’t allowed to work there.  Most places don’t like hiring siblings, spouses, family members, or boyfriends and girlfriends in the same office.  He knew that when two of his co-workers had gotten married they actually asked one of them to change hospitals because they didn’t want them working at the same place.  Probably mostly it was because they didn’t want the drama of their lives showing up at work, or maybe they might go to a room off to themselves.

He wondered if the women realized he could hear.  Yes he had to wear headphones all day, but he could hear them as plain as day.  Even the people behind him heard them.  Even the teams way on the other side.  It made the foreign workers check him out every day to make sure that he wasn’t one of them.

It must be a new tactic of trying to get him to quit.  He had heard about that.  People would purposely make the work place unbearable so someone would quit.  It turns the job into a hostile work environment.  It makes it look like a lynch mob.  Of course to him they look like a lynch mob.  Here he thought racism wouldn’t show its ugly face in the workplace, but here it was staring him deadly in the face.

He wondered if he had been white, Hispanic, Asian, or there because he was a foreign worker, how would they have treated him.  Would they have done another background check?  Would they have called his former employers, his high schools, his colleges, his pharmacies, his doctors offices, and anyone else in his life.  How the hell were they getting information?  He wasn’t their employee.  They had no right.  They didn’t have a good reason, even a lawyer would say so.  All of their snooping what did it get them.

So they do more damage because it’s embarrassing to them.  Really you do more damage to someones character and reputation by doing more digging into their personal life.  Even his phone.  He hears them repeating his phone conversations.  He hears them going through the numbers in his phone trying to figure out who’s who.  Some of  his military friends are in his phone.  What lies have they told his mother he wondered?  Did they trick her?  Did they trick his other family members?  If you’re embarrassed about something you don’t go harassing people.  You don’t try to find something to tear someone down.  You stop.  Isn’t that what Human Resources said.  Isn’t that why some of them got fired.  Isn’t that why the lawyers started coming up there.  Isn’t that why she said “We shouldn’t have gone any further than this,” after they did yet another background check on him?  He wasn’t their employee.  He worked with the police.  He worked on the military base.  He was able to pass their security clearance.   So why are these people unable to stop as if they have been possessed.  He can only see evil in their eyes.  It’s a damn lynch mob.



I know people try to figure me out.  Still sometimes I wonder why they care so much about what I do, who I do it with, what I’m thinking, what I’m wearing, who I’m talking to, who I’m not talking to, and other things that I really don’t think is any of their business.  The only thing anyone should be worrying about is my safety, whether it be from someone else or myself.

So yeah kind of interesting.

Like I’ve said before you won’t see me completely by reading this blog.  There are things I don’t talk about on here.  Yes laugh all you want, but there are things I won’t divulge on here.

Maybe if you listen and read you’ll learn.

So I just live my life.  I have a few things that have happened that cause me to be a bit more cautious and on guard.   It causes a lot of issues and it causes a lot of changes.  People don’t really understand about that, and won’t.

No use trying to tell anyone anything.  They won’t listen and they just assume stuff, so better to let them continue to make up who I am.  No use once someone makes up their mind is it?

It’s kind of like something I was watching.  This man was accused of a crime, but he was innocent.  He was only considered a suspect in the crime, but people treated him like he was guilty.  He had people treat him so differently.  People turned their backs on him.  Not until they had the real perpetrator did anyone believe him.  No matter how many times he tried to tell people he was innocent, it changed no one’s mind.  Funny what a bit of suggestion and possible false accusation can do to someones reputation and how others view them.

Any way.  There are just some things I will keep to myself and share when I feel like it.

Doobie doobie doo.

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