Happy Good Friday.

Well it is a good Friday. I heard some good news today. Well several. So that’s good.

I’m free to talk to who I want to and date who I want to. Just don’t send any of your friends this way. I like to keep some things separate.

Still I hope someone doesn’t care. I’d prefer that some people stay out of my life. No matter what.

Sometimes I think some people like to live vicariously through someone else.

So yeah. Some good news, still don’t feel so good.

Yeah and I’m not a chocolate bunny either.

I miss someone.

I was thinking about things that people shouldn’t eavesdrop on and wonder if people do.

Like for example doctors offices. Would someone eavesdrop on someone in a doctor’s office? Like place their ear there or sneak outside the door? What about in a counselors office? What about a psychologist offices? That’s a violation of the patients privacy.

What about on phone conversations? What if someone is giving out their personal information over the phone? That’s not a good thing.

What about just in general? We all do that we walk around talking to people and having conversations. What if someone wanted to just eavesdrop hoping they could find something out. I mean it could happen.

The bathroom? Who would do that? But people tend to talk about things in the bathroom. So it would be easy.

Hmmm…I can’t think of any more places right now, but I can picture someone doing that. Kind of strange. So desperate for information. Kind of sad but true.

Just like that person who stole someone’s phone and used their thumbprint to take over their accounts. That’s freaking crazy.


Sorry I can’t tell you why I said that.

Ah well.

To Clarify


When I say observe, I don’t mean there’s a camera in my place. I can be a bit paranoid, but I’m not that paranoid. All though it could be possible. Still I don’t like feeling as if someone is listening to me on the phone. I usually try to talk quietly and have the tv up in case someone tries to eavesdrop. Still not sure what the want to hear. I’m assuming something personal.

I hope that guy wasn’t here to snoop. That would suck. Plus the things he said about something when he knew I couldn’t do it. Kind of made me wonder.

I know people don’t understand and will never understand, but I am the way I am. Still I don’t like being reminded of things I try to forget. It kind of makes me sick in a different way.

Still you know how people are. Once they find something out about someone, they can’t help just spreading it around. Yet there are things we don’t spread around to each other, well purposely…well those of us who know better. You don’t spread around an STD or a cold just because you got one. One would hope not.

Any way. Yeah.

With that being said


With all of that being said, that means one thing. I am going to have some work to do. I can’t really tell you everything I do.

By the way…so what if I was talking to someone last night? So what if I was talking to my friend? Who do you think I should be talking to? I am very careful who I talk to and let into my life. Especially after the break in. So, ummm guess that means I need to change my phone number again or get on a new plan? You tell me. You’ll just have to get used to me talking to other people and trying to have a life. I kind of find that a bit strange that you care who I talk to. I’m not sure why it’s a concern of yours. Still would you stop someone from breaking in? Would you save me if I needed help? Are you just silent observers and listeners?  Am I going to have to change my bank account again too?

Yeah…don’t worry about the above paragraph. I know who I’m talking to. It always seems that someone is eavesdropping into my life. Not sure why though. That’s why I always feel like I’m being stalked.

Any way. So I have some things in mind. Some things that will help and make my life feel easier.

I need to make friends with cops. Yeah that’s all I’m saying. Take it where you want it.

Sigh…I want to see the cowboy again. He was a cutie.

Man…I saw something strange yet awesome. Some guy was walking around with a Superman cape on. So not what I expected. No Batman or Wonder Woman was spotted though. By the way those characters belong to DC comics. Just in case.

Well ta da!

There’s a reason


There’s a reason why I need to trust someone. I have things I would like to tell people, but I have to know that they can be trusted. I don’t need everything going all over the place.

Seriously speaking, I’ve had that happen a lot and sometimes it makes you want to kill yourself because it’s something that you trusted someone with. It’s something personal that you should only know. Yet for some reason a whole bunch of people know about it and make a comment about it. It’s not something you want to know or hear. To know you can’t confide in anyone. To know you can’t trust anyone. To know that people disrespect you so much your privacy isn’t something they consider. That’s a horrible feeling and it makes you think about killing yourself.

Notice the disclaimer. It’s there for a reason.

So yeah I have to be able to trust someone completely. I can’t have someone in my life who thinks it’s ok or funny to tell someone everything I say. It’s not something you’re supposed to do. Maybe that’s why people prefer to talk to strangers or licensed professionals over people they might see every day.

A lot of people don’t know what I go through because I don’t tell them. If you ask me something, I’m not going to tell you the complete truth. Meaning I’ll tell you only a snippet.  What goes on inside isn’t something I share.

I know some people disregard me as trash. They treat me like I’m not a person or feel as if I don’t belong anywhere. That’s fine. Yet they don’t know what goes on in my life. They have no idea about anything. I have no reason to share it with them either. The minute someone shows me that they think of me as nothing. I don’t think they deserve to know anything about my life.

Does it mean I feel that way? No. I’m not trash. I am a person. Yes it bothers me that some people don’t treat me like they would do anyone else. Still I treat everyone as I would want to be treated.  I know people talk about me and make fun of me. I know that. I also know why people treat me a certain way especially at certain places. Places I know where people can find out all kinds of things they shouldn’t.

Still while they are making fun of me do they even know why I’m so quiet? Do they even know why my eyes are glassy? Do they even know why I prefer to be by myself? Do they look at my arms and notice if I’ve done anything to them? Do they look and see if I have any kind of markings any where visible? Do they ever think anything is wrong or ask why? No they don’t. They just want me gone out of their presence.

Sometimes I think I should grant them their wish. So maybe they can see me one last time before I’m buried in the ground. That way I won’t have anyone thinking it’s ok to violate my privacy or hear anyone make fun of me or talk about something they shouldn’t know about. Maybe that’s a way to make everyone happy.

I know why


Still I know why people treat me a certain way. It has something to do with something that I don’t talk about. Still people know about it. I was told I imagined things and I made it up, but if other people talk about it, then it’s true is it not?  It causes people to treat me differently. No I won’t talk about it, but it makes people avoid me when it’s important. It causes people to stick a label on me. She’s the one… It will follow me because people will always talk. I know they think it’s funny, but to me it’s not. Every time someone does something to me, it makes me think of something I try not to think about. Every time someone avoids me, it makes me think about it. Every time someone is cruel to me, it makes me think about it. To me it makes people hate me before even trying to get to know me. They’ve made their mind up about me. Does it mean that some people won’t try to get to know the real me, no. Still most people will just believe what they hear.

What did I learn


I learned that I have to be careful with who I let get close to me. I have to always make sure I keep some people at a distance. I don’t tell anything too personal to anyone. It’s just how it has to be at work.

Does it mean I’m not nice to them? No. Does it mean I have to pick which ones to get close to me? Yes.

I know some people just think I care about certain things.

I have also learned that if someone is making fun of me, it’s not because of me it’s because of them. I just don’t ever think about it. I also think, I know who I am. You can think what you want, but you will never be me.

Now if any of my coworkers, or their friends, or family members decide to move where I’m at, I would wonder why. I would just assume it’s to be in my business.

I don’t like people knowing about things I don’t talk about. I don’t talk about things, that I find personal with coworkers. I talk with certain people about certain things. If it’s not something anyone else needs to know, then I’m always curious about why someone would be talking about something that’s personal to me.

I think about how I have to put people into categories. It’s not fun to have to do that. Some people I can let get close and others I can’t. Can people change categories? Yes.

It reminds me of a story from the bible. I can’t remember who or what was the circumstance right now. He was somewhere lost or out in the wilderness. It was just him and his servants. He probably never told his servants anything, or how he did his business, or even held a conversation with them. They probably never looked him in the eye, or seen him bathe, or go to the bathroom. Now they were out there and had to rely on each other. Now he had to take them into his confidence and they had to take him into theirs. They changed categories. Still he had to trust that they wouldn’t say anything. I don’t remember how it ends though.

Still sometimes when people treat me badly it bothers me, especially when I don’t know why. Especially when it’s just being cruel. I would wonder and then it would just make me want to not exist. There are things I’ve contemplated because of some of the cruelty. Some people think I just imagine things. Well imagine just having a good day and people just randomly being rude and mean to you, and you don’t know why especially when you don’t know them. Yet they seem to know you. Notice I said seem to know you, because they don’t really know anything about you unless they are doing something they shouldn’t. Such as a background check or something that could give them more information.

I really hope that someone didn’t trick my loved one into giving them stuff they shouldn’t have. That would be a very evil thing to do. I really hope not.

I just tell things to God sometimes, especially when I don’t know what to do.

Previous Older Entries


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 167 other followers